Thursday, 24 February 2011

Dribs and drabs


The poor little boy only wanted to bring his friend home to stay!!!! Well, not quite.
"She said she was alerted to the reptile's presence by her three-year-old son, who was patting its head"
An attentive mother clearly, who obviously thought her little boy had enough of playing with the pet Fido - but how an crocodile manged to enter the house in the first place is surely a mystery that only the mother can explain.

The local zoo denies it's outsourcing policy had any involvement.

But please folks, remember, no animals were harmed in the making of this news article.  However, several men were stranded in the nearby cemetary, whilst 200 trees bravely sacrificed their lives to ensure a safe passage for the torrent of surplus rainwater.


Well, reading through this article, one thing sticks out to my mind.

"The US government recently cleared the company after an inquiry into reports its electronic throttle system had led to unintended acceleration"
Unintended acceleration???  (Which delightful bunch of lawyers took a three hour meeting to determine this phrase I wonder, purely on retainer I hazard a guess)

"Oh sorry Officer. I couldn't help but do a little 'unintended acceleration' there. I'll attempt not to do that again but I can give no guarantees, after all, we do have these little.....'accidents' "

Toyota has said that.....
".........it was unaware of any injuries related to the recalls"
No - of course not.  Those folks are dead, being involved in accidents due to...... 'unitentional acceleration'. 

BUT should you find yourself in a speeding Toyota, here's what you can do (borrowed from another website with my ever so helpful tips added to it in brackets).
  1. (Panic) Don't hit the brakes on a runaway car (it might take offense). When the accelerator is stuck, the brakes can't engage properly. Try pumping the brakes to see if that helps. Although, based on driver reports from those who've experienced a runaway vehicle, don't expect pumping to do much.
  2. Shift into neutral instead. If that is not possible, or does not work, then turn off the car at the ignition (where else would you turn off the car??? and wouldn't this be the first thing to do??, even before panicking). Shutting off the car may cause serious damage to the engine but could also save your life (you don't say). Note that you have only seconds to act and that the sudden surge in acceleration will throw you back. Some fatalities seem to have been more the result of being thrown back by acceleration which didn't allow enough time for drivers to recover (Really - I thought the fatalities occured cause they died).
  3. Pump the brakes gently once in neutral and coast to the berm (assuming you've reacted quickly enough in the few seconds of dear life you have left, and wasn't throw back, or panicked or did something else completey stupid instead).

  4. Turn on the hazard lights (Yeah - that'll help).

  5. Shut off the car (WTF!!!!!)
     
  6. Anticipate a runaway situation whenever driving a Toyota vehicle (WHAT!!! Toyota - you make cars, not planes) until the root cause of the problem is identified (better still, and here's a newsflash, simply don't drive the toyota!!). Keep an eye on the accelerator and keep your hands free (but preferably ON the steering wheel).

  7. Prepare for a runaway vehicle. Practice quickly shifting to neutral while driving in a parking lot (Oh dear lord - as if parking in a parking lot isn't bad enough without madcap zany Toyota drivers practising to pretend they're a plane and attempting takeoff with appropriate vocal sound effects) .

Government 'to miss Neet target'

Well, for starters, they can ensure several of them can be employed to come up with a better acronym.  Or it is being trendy by encouraging 'yooth' culture with incorrect spelling???

 Bombs away!!!

Ok - Bit of an extreme reaction I must say, so what exactly did G W Bush's house ever do to him??  I ask you!!

Doctor Who Trailer

In case there are a few like minded (Ok - read that as sad) individuals out there interested in Doctor Who.  A trailer is now out 'there'.

On this day

1821 - Mexico gains independence from Spain
1924 - Mahatma Gandhi released from jail 
1968 - 1st pulsar discovered (CP 1919 by Jocelyn Burnell at Cambridge) 
1981 - Britain's Prince Charles announces engagement to Lady Diana Spencer 

Births

1966 - Billy Zane
1965 - Kristin Davis
1947 - Edward James Olmos
Deaths

1993 - Bobby Moore, English soccer team capt (World champs 1966)
2006 - Dennis Weaver, American actor (b. 1924)

Thought for the day

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon


 



 

Monday, 21 February 2011

It's only Scotland


Well, it seems somebody somewhere wishes it to be brighter in the evenings.  Else their eyesight is going!!

It seems the main argument to resisting any change is that it creates some additional danger in the morning when the children are going to school.

So, lets counteract that claim - switch on your headlights eh??? and if you're walking, walk on the pavements (sidewalks to some) and use a torch, and reflective materials.  Or better still - don't have kids.  Ok, that last suggestion might not work as well. Well, it would (solves the problem) but then no more humanity!!!!! (Least there'll be peace on earth then, lol).

Tis not Cricket
So, the world cup is in doubt???

50 Overs seems to be too long-legged and is now on a sticky wicket with the Extra Cover it requires seeming to be no more.  The Short leg version (of 20 overs) is taking more of a fast pace towards dominating the cricket scenery.

Anyone say Duck???
The umpire, having been called Backward-square, took offence when the Maiden (over by the Gully), appealed to the silly mid-on who was actually all around her in the covers, insisted that she was single but he found her to be well wide of the mark.  The bowler, having been creased up about this, is resorting to bodyline bouncers.     

The Captain, having bailed out, was in the middle of a collapse when the duck entered the frey. To say he was stumped is an understatement.
Oh, thats enought of the references, it's just not cricket!!




On this day

1431 - England begins trial against Joan of Arc 
1782 - US congress resolves establishment of a US mint (tasty too)
1878 - 1st telephone book issued, 50 subscribers (New Harbor, Connecticut) 
1922 - Great Britain grants Egypt independence 
1931 - Alka Seltzer introduced (and has been repeating itself ever since)  
1964 - UK flies 24,000 rolls of Beatle wallpaper to US (no mention of how much was sent back)
 1972 - Richard Nixon becomes 1st US president to visit China
1981 - "Yorkshire Ripper" Peter Sutcliffe, murderer of 13 women, captured 
 
Births

1986 - Charlotte Church (OMG, she's that young....oh dear)
1979 - Jennifer Love Hewitt
1955 - Kelsey Grammer
1946 - Tyne Daly
1946 - Alan Rickman


Deaths

1437 - King James I of Scotland (Yeah, who!! Exactly)
1945 - Eric Liddell, Scottish runner (Olympic-gold 1924), dies at 43 (Chariots of Fire)
1993 - Ferrucci Lamborghini, car maker (Lamborghini), dies at 76
1996 - Terence Edward Armstrong, polar geographer, dies at 75 (but not Pole Dancing)

Thought of the Day

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Friday, 18 February 2011

Big Foot

Found him!!!!
Seems the police here are desparately short of crimes to solve.  Either they're too good at solving them (has a good ten minute laugh at such a preposterous idea) or the criminal fraternity has given them a few days off, just because, deep down, our criminals are just a jolly nice bunch of guys after all.

Surely this isn't going to be that difficult to solve for Scotland Yard's finest!!!!

(Whispers - I wouldn't bet on it.)


Not content with giving folks a hand, our government want to extend to Arms......ok, maybe not.


It said 250 cartridges of tear gas and other riot control equipment had been licensed for export to the Gulf state within the past nine months.




But minister Alistair Burt said there was no evidence UK teargas was used in the military crackdown on protesters.
No evidence eh???? Well, none that we could see.  "Probably shuffled underneath something, I only glanced at the paperwork m'lud".

So our beloved government are URGENTLY reviewing the fact that we sold some teargas which could well have breached human rights!!!!!!

Oh, com'on. Seriously.  What!! Were they buying the stuff so that people could put them on their mantelpieces and admire our British handiwork????

Of course they're going to be used - duh!!

AND it's a bit late to be reviewing it anyway.  They've already got the stuff, and most likely used it as well.

Oh, but of course, we wouldn't want to be seen supplying arms eh???  Not our thing.  Not cricket really.

Might as well give them legs and feet as well (the police here seem to have a surplus of trainers - see above).  So they can run a mile when they get caught.



On this day

1676 - Kings Charles II & Louis XIV sign secret treaty (erm, it ain't no secret cause we know about it!!)
1924 - Johnny Weissmuller sets 100-yard freestyle record (52.4 seconds) - (Good ol Tarzan)
1962 - Beach Boys introduced a new musical style with their hit "Surfin" 
1967 - Beatles release "Penny Lane" & "Strawberry Fields" 
1972 - British Parliament votes to join European Common Market
1979 - China invades Vietnam 


Births

1968 - Molly Ringwald (Ahhh, Pinkie)
1964 - Matt Dillon
1954 - John Travolta
1950 - Cybill Shephard (still Moonlighting I see)
1933 - Yoko Ono (Oh No, really)
1925 - George Kennedy
1919 - Jack Palance

Deaths

Oh common.  Give me some interesting deaths to report (at least that someone's heard of)

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

It's a fair cop Guv

I have to say that the employer in this article had a good idea.  Name and shame them I say.


Could be useful for other incidents.

Prostitute

I gave him my services but just wasn't up for the job in hand. Put me in jail please, but don't let the screws get to me!!

(Screws - slang for prison officers)

Rent Boy

I've bent over backwards for this man, but only received the deposit.  I want the balance paid up.


Failed Husband

I use to be man enough for the post.  But she went for the post man instead.

Berlusconi not afraid

This fine up standing man (I guess his was at the time of the incident - upstanding that is) has made it know that he is not worried in the least.

But he said he was doing a favour for the then-Egyptian leader, Hosni Mubarak, because Mr Berlusconi was told the girl was Mr Mubarak's granddaughter.

I wouldn't have dropped that name into the conversation.  Look what happened to Mr Mubarak now!!

On this day

0600 - Pope Gregory the Great decrees saying "God bless You" is the 
           correct response to a sneeze 
1568 - The entire population of the Netherlands - three million people -
            was sentenced to death by the Roman Catholic Church for heresy
           (So what happened then???) 
1646 - Battle of Great Torrington, Devon - the last major battle of the first 
            English Civil War (included this as it's not too far away from where I 
            live - kind of anyway) 
1659 - First known check (£400), it is now (on display at Westminster Abbey
           (Fraud I hear you say) 
1857 - The National Deaf Mute College (later renamed Gallaudet University)
             is established in Washington, DC, becoming the first school for the 
             advanced education of the deaf (Eh!! Beg your Pardon!!)
1878 - The Silver Dollar was introduced as a U.S. coin. 
1923 - Howard Carter unseals the burial chamber of Pharaoh Tutankhamun.
 
Births

1959 - John McEnroe (oh com'on - You can NOT be serious)
1957 - LeVar Burton (Blind man Jordi in Start Trek: The Next Franchise)
1942 - Kin Jong II (North Korean Leader - Nuclear Powered)

Deaths

Nobody on note died on this day.  Well, they did, BUT just not famous enough.  Most inconsiderate of the well known to avoid this date like the plague I say.

Thought for the day

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Dancing Queen

I have had (in a round about way) had a request.  Those of you following this mumblings will have seen my whimsical attempt at making a certain song lyrics amusing (Yes, That Abba one- as if I have done more, which I haven’t).

So to appease my audience, I have done something similar for another song of Abba’s – Dancing Queen. Which has now been playing in my mind ALL day today (Thanks Scratch lol).

So here it be.  (By the way - I hope this offends nobody).  

And Nobody!! If this offend you, please say so……..ok? (sorry – you didn’t say “So”)

The Lyrics                                                                            My interpretation

You can dance, you can jive                                      You got the moves there baby
Having the time of your life                                         Far out sweetie
Ooh see that girl, watch that scene                            Go girl – Swing that Thing!
Dig in the dancing queen                                           OMG – It’s a he-she (Arghhh!)

Friday night and the lights are low                              Help me??? Call the police!!
Looking out for a place to go                                      Why are we at the Men’s loo?
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a king                                    Oohh noooo (starts running)

Anybody could be that guy                                        George Michael anyone???
Night is young and the music's high                           How did I end up here?
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine                  I’ve been drugged
You're in the mood for a dance                                  Wooozy!!!
And when you get the chance                                   Pukes up!!

You are the dancing queen                                       Yeah Baby – OK, I look good in drag
Young and sweet, only seventeen                             Ok  - I’ll go with that
Dancing queen, feel the beat                                    Does that feel like what I think it is??
From the tambourine, oh yeah                                  That ain’t no tambourine matey!!

You can dance, you can jive                                    Get away from me
Having the time of your life                                       Like…..another continent
Ooh see that girl, watch that scene                          Can’t – got me eyes shut
Dig in the dancing queen                                         Not digging that thing in me!!

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on                               What can I say?? (boogies away)
Leave 'em burning and then you're gone                  Damn right honey – he-shes (shudders)
Looking out for another, anyone will do                    Nope – I’m straight
You're in the mood for a dance                                Straight I tell ya
And when you get the chance                                 I run…………pretty damn quick

You are the dancing queen                                     Too late – I’m gone
Young and sweet, only seventeen                           Stop – Where??
Dancing queen, feel the beat                                  Ooooh Foxy
From the tambourine, oh yeah                                Tambourines – Are you kidding me?

You can dance, you can jive                                   Jiving away back home now                                       
Having the time of your life                                      Yep, away from here
Ooh see that girl, watch that scene                         Filth!!
Dig in the dancing queen                                        Bye Bye               
Dig in the dancing queen                                        No really – Bye Bye

Spys like us


Hmmm, now doesn't this bit of news strike you as a tad obvious.

After all, a suspicious death of a MI6 worker, bundled into a padlocked holdall.  It could be an 'open and shut' case, but sadly no.  

The British police have already come to the conclusion, as well as dwindling manpower, that it's not worth going down that route as spy's don't want to be found. 

It's like when all of the loos were stolen from Scotland yard - Police admitted they had nothing to go on!!


Well well, a puddy tat has now been employed to eradicate the rat infestation that Downing Street has now found itself in.

Hmmmm, we could say that the cat had better start with some of the politicians who frequent the place. 

And let's hope that the cat doesn't rat on the Prime Minister with the autobiographical book (already commissioned by Fat Cat Publishers) entitled 'Rats - I'm the Verminator!".

On this day

0399BC - The philosopher Socrates sentenced to death.
1852       - Great Ormond St Hospital for Sick Children, London, admits first patient 
1879       -  Women's rights: American President Rutherford B. Hayes signs a bill
                   allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court of
                   the United States.
1936       - Hitler announces building of Volkswagens for the people

Births

1971 - Renee O'Conner (Gabrielle - Xena: Warrior Princess)
1954 - Matt Groening (The Simpsons)
1951 - Jane Seymour
1564 - Galileo Galilei

Deaths

1981 - Jack Crapp, cricketer (7 Tests for England 1948-49, 319 runs), dies

(Well I thought it funny having runs with a surname like that)

Thought for the day

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Monday, 14 February 2011

Eagle

It's only a Song

Well, I'd thought I'd try something a bit different today folks.  Have put the lyrics of a song (Yes, I know it's Abba) but still it's been humming away to itself in the back (and front) of my mind, so I'd get my revenge and make some comments on it.

I hope you find it amusing.


Lyrics to 'Eagle'                                                My Observations

They came flyin' from far away,                            Hmm, bit paranoid aren’t we?
 now I'm under their spell                                     Witchcraft now is it??
I love hearing the stories that they tell                   Oh dear – Voices in her head 

                                                                                   (tut tut)
They've seen places beyond my land

and they've found new horizons
They speak strangely but I understand                 Oh dear me

And I dream I'm an eagle
                                     (slowly) O-Kay.
And I dream I can spread my wings                       (just as slowly) Riiigghhtt
Flyin' high, high, I'm a bird in the sky                     Oh I get it – On drugs are we??
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze                     Class A Drugs that is!!!
High, high, what a feeling to fly                              Oh dear lord – she flying!!
Over mountains and forests and seas                    High as a Kite
And to go anywhere that I please                          That’s downwards…and pretty fast

                                                                                   too!

As all good friends we talk all night,
                      Oh dear – she dealing now!!
 and we fly wing to wing                                        Tweet Tweet
I have questions and they know everything              I knew religion would crop up
There's no limit to what I feel, 

we climb higher and higher
Am I dreamin' or is it all real                                  Oh, you’re dreaming alright missy

Is it true I'm an eagle
                                            ermmm, Nope
Is it true I can spread my wings                              Go on – Try it I dare you
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky                     Houston – We have lift off
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze                      Yeeess – Smelly wind too!
High, up high, what a feeling to fly                          
(What a feeling)                                                     Flashdance!!
Over mountains and forests and seas    
And to go anywhere that I please                            Yes – The Loony Bin!

On this Day

1894 - Venus is both a morning star & evening star 
1918 - USSR adopts New Style (Gregorian) calendar (originally Feb 1) 
1950 - USSR & China sign peace treaty 
1966 - Australia introduces 1st decimal currency postage stamps 
1990 - Space probe Voyager 1 takes photograph of entire solar system   

Births

1944 - Carl Bernstein (Washington Post Reporter - broke Watergate story)

Deaths

2010 - Dick Francis, British jockey-turned-novelist (b. 1920)
2003 - Dolly the sheep, first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell dies young form a progressive lung disease aged 6
1989 - James Bond, American ornithologist (b. 1900) - So THAT'S who he really was
270 - St. Valentine marking Valentines Day (some sources say 269, others 273).

Thought of the Day

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?