Thursday, 8 November 2012

A Message from Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves in a proper fashion, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' You shall also be required to reinstate the second 'i' in 'Aluminium'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save The Queen!

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Fact of the Day


 
For those of you who have too much spare time on your hands and wondered where I’ve disappeared to – the answer's quite simple, and rather dull.  I’ve been hiding away at a rather splendid trivia quiz site called ‘Funtrivia’.


Feel free to venture along there and please quote my name or the following 

As a result of this new interest, I have found great pleasure in creating quizzes for the masses to answer, and in doing so have come across some interesting facts as well as some urban legends which I feel need airing as too many gullible people out there in the electronic ether seemingly believe what they read on the internet as fact.

So, let us proceed to todays so called interesting fact.

A pregnant gold fish is called a twit.

Yes, you heard me – a twit. 

A Twit!
And the only twit here would be the foolish reader who actually believes this, and yes, I’m afraid I did (hangs head in shame) but only for all of two minutes before I actually started to research this tidbit of trivia.

You see, and this really is the obvious giveaway.  Anyone who knows their fish will realise that goldfish do not carry their young - they lay eggs. This in turn is fertilised by the male and the result is a well known dating site (plenty of fish).

BUT, for those too stupid to recall this fact, a brief check on any dictionary website, or for the old-fashioned among you, a proper dictionary book, will show this supposed fact as anything but.

AND should you really wish to know, the definition of a twit is:

YOU!!!

Actually no, thats not fair -  the following definition is courtesy of the Free Dictionary


 twit  (twt)
tr.v. twit·ted, twit·ting, twits
To taunt, ridicule, or tease, especially for embarrassing mistakes or faults. See Synonyms at ridicule.
n.
1. The act or an instance of twitting.
2. A reproach, gibe, or taunt.
3. Slang A foolishly annoying person.

So there you go.  All sorted.  You can now go forth armed with the knowledge that a pregnant goldfish is NOT a twit, and more importantly, neither are you.

 





Saturday, 30 June 2012

Funny News - 30 June 2012

Racey?????




Only a matter of interpretation I know, but racey, or sexy????  Nooooo. 

A clothes horse has more curves on it than she does, and thats saying something.





How do you like your eggs?

Well, if I were to arrive home suddenly, there would be no great picker upper than to see a naked young woman making breakfast.

Sadly, she had her boyfriend with her at the time and both scapered off  pronto.
"Timmons.....was tracked down shortly thereafter and apprehended behind the Taunton Ice Company building at 216 High St"
Just love the idea that police managed to identify a naked man on the loose, but really!!!  Hiding behind the local Ice Company wasn't the coolest of ideas he's had.



Bare Cheek (No link here)

Don't ever shut a bear cub in the garage - Mummy will come looking for it.


British is Best - At Last
Awwww, Isn't he adorable??

Well folks.  Finally something to....erm....cheer about.

We can now proudly say that here, in the great country that is the United Kingdom, has the World's, I repeat, the WORLD's ugliest dog - Official.

But somebody sure loves him..........I think.

Wow - Skateboarding King


"A Canadian has become the fastest human in the world on a longboard when he clocked an incredible 80.74 mph on a public road"
That is something though isn't it??
"Michael Emprick, the Guinness adjudicator on hand to oversee the attempt, described it as "an amazing demonstration of what the human body is capable of with dedication and hard work.
"What I'll remember most about Mischo's attempt isn't just the incredible speed he was able to achieve, it was the sound of his skateboard wheels as it zoomed past," he added."
Followed swiftly by the sound of screaming as the police nabbed him for speeding on a public highway.............well, they should have!!

Mind you - I prefer this effort....


Trust Them!!

The National Trust (here in the UK) is a trust which helps protects the nations houses, gardens, coastlines, moorlands etc.  Almost an establishment in itself but have now, in an effort to 'protect' the previously sleazy area of Soho, in London, once notorious for its sex industry, and to guide those would be 'sight-seers'.
"Some of the language is a little close to the bone..."
 Ahem...really!!!  I'm not saying anything, as I'm sure you can all make your own jokes here.

Surely not the right sort of protection to be mentioning here one would think.

Thought for the Day


How did a fool and his money GET together?






Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Funny News - June 2012

Taking the Mickey



Well, he's obviously been so farout of it, that not only did he leave Earth's orbit, he had to visit Mercury and leave his "Mickey was 'ere" image.

Guess it's a relief it wasn't on Pluto!!






What A Relief

For those awkward moments


To be able to leave the bathroom if your tummy has one of it's turns.

However, being stuck with superglue couldn't have been much fun either.







 
Big Boss is Watching you

Wow - has things come that bad where the boss sits in his office, and instead of just working, he's there looking at his PC screen and wondering where the hell his mid-morning cup of tea has got to.

Thanks to those jolly nice chaps at Google, he (or she) will be able to identify who's where and doing what (and to whom???).  Possibilities are endless if the spouse gets their hands on this.   This could mean the end to months of uncertainty as to whether the spouse is having an affair or not.


Spouse: "Where's is my husband?"
Google Maps: "Your husband is currently residing in Mrs Robinson at number 32".
"Employees who are worried about privacy will be able to turn off the tracking device during times such as their lunch breaks and will also be able to see when they are being tracked through a notification on their screen."
I've just thought - imagine the possibilities if this could be linked to Twitter, and we could "see" where our favourite celebrity currently is.

Stalking has never been so easy - lol.

Number 19!!

Welcome to the Gambling arena for stutterers.  Place your bets.  N-N-N-N-Nineteen.  Job done.

Soaring Bills

Monthly payment option anyone??
Ok - So I knew that energy companies were putting up prices but even this is a tad extreme.

Still, I'm for it if one person gets to pay for the rest of us.  Bargain.

There's an App for that surely??

Well, this just damn well confirms it.  There are some sad people out there.
But the survey also found ............that..... with 4 per cent admitting to using their iPhone during sex
Well,  it does beg the question doesn't it???

Like a morgue!!

God, don't you just wish you'd be sat next to somebody that doesn't interupt you with inane mumblings and constant whinging.

The peace, the quiet, the oh so blissful silence that many need when travelling.

Ok - slight drawback maybe the smell, but nothings perfect in life.

I know a few teachers who would prefer a classroom full of corpses. 


Thought for the Day


If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?



Monday, 25 June 2012

Funny News - 25 June 2012

Get it on!!

Well, maybe.  Wanna test drive a potential lover???  There's an app for it. 

Thanks to the Swedes, bless them.

The Swedes are quite renowned for their more relaxed and open views on sex, and nakedness and stuff like that, but what I find surprising about this news, is that....
"Swedes are bad at using condoms," she said, pointing out that studies showed that as few as 40 percent of Swedes used protection.
Also
"Did you know Swedes are among the worst in the world at using a condom?"
I just wanna say, in their defence - maybe, just maybe, it isn't that the Swedes are bad at raising the protective issue.

But just bad at unwrapping the blighters.

Having it Off

With her head. And all for the family honour.
Head chopping?? Maybe not
Oghad Singh surrendered at a police station two days ago, carrying his daughter's head in one hand and the bloodied ceremonial sword he had used to chop it off in the other.
Evidence - What evidence?? Bah, tis only circumstantial my son.
Police said Mr Singh, a marble miner, accused his daughter of bringing dishonour to the family and of making it hard to find husbands for her two unmarried sisters.
 Hmmm, made it a darn sight harder now old bean.
 Villagers condemned the father's actions as extreme.
Really!!!! You don't say?? Mind you, saved a bit on the future wedding expenses hasn't he??

The New Virgin Mary


Well, the link is tenious - I mean, can you see the Virgin Mary attired like this???
“I think if I’m 40, and I don’t have any kids,and I’m not married, I would have a baby artificially inseminated,” she said. “I would feel like Mary, like Jesus is my baby.”

Hmmm, Yes - John Lennon she is not, but hey, any excuse to show Ms Kardashian naked is fine by me.

Get High at Walmart

Handsome chap!!
Well, I presume that to cater for all walks of life, meth making has just got to be stocked somewhere, possibly with the dishwasher tablets, or Oreo's.

James Richardson, with rugged good looks and a complexion that a model would die for (ok, maybe not), walked in thinking that it obvioulsy was  DIY store.

A simple mistake to make, as you all well know. 

Was he looking for that well known carpet cleaner 'Shake and Vac'??


Painting by numbers


I only got up to two!!! - I can't think why??


Thailand's Got Talent - Says it all really!!




Thought of the Day


How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Friday, 22 June 2012

Funny News - 22 June 2012


And proud of them!!
This guys got balls


In more ways than one.

"He suffers from high blood pressure and asthma. He can't urinate normally or have sex. He has daily bouts of depression."


Wesley Warren Jr in all his glory


Not surprised he's depressed if he can't have sex or wee normally, although it boggles the mind how exactly he does relieve himself (oooh, an naughty entendre - smacks wrist).







Quick to consumate

Boy, oh boy.  Getting married simply has to be one of the best experiences in life, and the groom in this instance surely couldn't wait to get down to the nitty-gritty, fun side of the marriage.

Yep, he was so randy, he got down and dirty.......but not with the bride.

Wooops!!!

Oh no, he got off with the waitress, and was only found out when his father-in-law popped into the kitchen for a quickie....(a snack that is - really!!!).

Still, the grooms got it all sussed.  After the divorce was settled, he's since gotten married to that waitress.

Bet she had to keep an eye on him at the wedding reception!!

Sex Education

Boys will be boys, and in an all-boys school, this is exactly what they did - only trouble was, they did it in class.
The paper has obtained and reviewed testimonials written by 22 students in the class.
 Really!!! Thought they all had their hands full!!
 The teacher has not replied to a newspaper request for comment but a union representative is rallying support for him.
Indeed - the union are instructing that all of it's members be upstanding in their support of him, and have advised him to give it his best shot!!


Having a crush on you


So popular was the offer (£220 of groceries if naked) that the store manager decided to limit the number of naked customers to batches of 20 to avoid crushing.

Me thinks he just wanted to perv at the flesh on show for that little bit longer.


.

America all Lit up

Powerful
Ok, it's sure is darn pretty to see the US of A all lit up in many a different colous and you can't help but wonder as the beauty of it, and the amazement when you realise that it's a 'map' of various factors, all done via the wonders of GPS.

I just think that, someone, somewhere, is watching you as you happily travel across town to the next fling whilst you're partner is blissfully unaware of your shinanigans.

Big Brother is watching you???  Oh yeah, well thanks to the wonders of TV and the internet, so will everyone else on the planet.

Quackers

Want flied lice with that?
The farmer is mad.  Chinese as well, but definitely mad.  Here in the UK, we drivers get fed up when you come accross the cows, being herded from one side of the road to the other for milking time.  It's a pain to be sure, but I'd rather watch the little feathered birds merrily dash about.
"According to the farmer, he regularly drives his ducks through the city and, despite the large numbers involved, says he has never lost a duck during the journey."
You mean to say he counts them all after he's herded them hither and thither??

4,996.....4,997......4,998......oh!!  Two crispy duck au van missing!!!  But is tasted luvely!!

But then, the report never said he was a chinese restauant delivery service!!!

Thought for the Day


What was the best thing before sliced bread?







Thursday, 21 June 2012

Funny News - 21 June 2012

Need a resume??

Oh yeah baby!


Hair Raising Stuff!
Yo Mama - Looking good!!

Having a problem with lack of hair on your bonce??  Feel the need to cover it up??  Look no further - age is not a problem......evidently!! Normall you'd say, "Tut, trust the Japanese" BUT NO!!  Tis our jolly american friends wanting a piece of the wacky-looney fashion stakes.

You too can have a babe on your arms looking saucy, chic and debonair. It won't matter that much if she's only 10 months old.

Cradle snatcher :)



Stuff that

Do you now!!!
 If you go down to the woods today, you gonna be in for a surprise.

Yep, those darn cuddly critters are leading folk astray ladies and gentlemen.

It certainly led Charles Marshall up the garden path, and not just the once neither.

Just a warning for the ladies, some men just want to give your teddy a good stuffing (ahem).



Hit me with your Rhythm Stick

Pity the brave policeman who had to taser an 80 year old naked lady, in St George, South Carolina last month.

Questions were asked.

I bet they were.  I mean, which part do you taser???  And would you wanna look at an eighty year old naked lady????
She then started swinging her cane around and the town’s police chief Anthony Britt decided to take action to prevent any members of the public getting hurt
Aha, it was all done for the public's protection.  Damn right - I wouldn't have wanted to have been blinded by her, or suffer from flashbacks after seeing Dorris Brown in the nude.
"Officers made contact with her. She was non responsive and quoting scriptures from the Bible," Britt told Live5 WCSC News.
Hold on - she was non-responsive BUT managed to quote scriptures - Lord, it's a miracle!!
"One of the officers that came from behind almost got hit in the head with the cane. At that point, I just told the officers,'She's in a safe position, just go ahead and tase her so we can prevent anybody from getting hurt.’”
If I have read this out of context, I'm almost would have been certain that this would have come from some trashy porn novel.....not that I've read any mind.

Fancy a roll

A Cigar of course, well, cigar flavoured.  Yep, the wonderfully novel flavours are getting more and more bizarre.

Theres...

Mustard,
Chocloate and Rosemary
Beetroot
Crab Sorbet
Sea-Salted Caramel
Cigar smoked Caramel
Sweetcorn

and with Wimbledon in mind, Grass, Strawberry and Hay flavoured Ice-Cream (as only a British player would know).

Hmmmmmm, yummy........or not possibly.

And Finally



Thought of the Day


Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?