Wednesday, 9 May 2012

The Bearded Man

I've been wondering, after recently visiting the nearest town of interest, Totnes, and a thought came into my head, I know - they sometimes do, after seeing a multitude of facial hair on several men (and the odd woman but let's not go there) and pondered on how men can style this abundance of folicles.

So without any fanfare, cause I'm too tight to lavish out on any expenses for wonderous grapics, we shall proceed down the catwalk, and examing the styles of ze Beard.

The Full Beard

Full Ginger Beard
G Clooney - Short Full Beard
As manly men who have been lavished with the whisker growing genes, this particular style exhudes butchness, and rough lumberjack-esque imagery, so those with a high-pitched voice could keep quiet until out of sight.

This style is a flexible one and allows for men to grow a shorter length full beard when a clear-cut image is needed when presenting a sexy, debonair sort of playboy style as modelled by my kind volunteer, Mr G Clooney, of California.

Too much full beard - Zzzzzz
Rooty Lundvall
This beard also attract exhibitionists in growing said hair to excess.  Remember ZZ Top??  No, neither do I, but the guitarists point blank refused to sweep after themselves whilst on stage so agreed to grow their beards to help alleviate this problem - sill some way to go chaps.

And lets not miss this opportunity to congratulate Mr Rooty
Lundvall, who last year won Gold in the sport (yes, sport) of growing beards, at the 2011 World Beard and Mustache Championships, held in Norway.  Well done Rooty, or should I say Santa!!

The Goatee and Mustache

A Sandler
Scary Combo
Now some men are unfortunate to have weak growth in them there cheeks (nooo, not down there in the nether regions), so a decent alternative is this combination.

Granted there are not many celebrities wishing to model this combo, but frankly, when blackmailed, Mr A Sandler had no other choice but to demonstrate for your delectation.

Hmmm, too much time on his hands

There is, fortunately, very few variances on this style, as lets face it, unless you're a gorgeous piece of hunk, a goatee isn't really a style to go for.  It can lead to scary people out and about on the streets and frankly, we can all do our best to put these blighters out of their misery - burn them.

Extended Goatee

Quite frankly, No.

More so when it's simply to compensate for the lack of hair on your bonce.

No, no, no ,no, no.

So, to summarise..................No.

What part of No, did you not get???....Moving on rapidly.


You may not have heard of this style and no, it wasn't a dyslexic describing Bilbo Baggins, but you've definitely seen the look.

This is the creme de la creme of goatees, and let's face it, when compared to the ordinary goatee, there
is simply no competition.

My mate Robbie (pictured) faced another 10 years in chokie unless he would pose for this, and judging by the outcome, it was a crime to have let him remain clean shaven all these years.


Please do not Copy
Well, the Goatee and mustache combo may actually start to look good compared to just the goatee style, and the one question (yes, just one) that simply has to be asked is.....Why??

Somebody please tell me....Why??

Amish, then yes, thats fine.  It's acceptable, and darn them, they actually pull it off.  Any other sad git then, Nooooooo.

Please children, even if you could, do not try this at home.

The Soul Patch
Yep! His soul patch is Ginge!!

What!!!  A Soul Patch???  Who thought these names up anyway?

Almost as bad as the plain old goatee but with a little panache (little being the operative word here).

You know, it's not going to be long before some smartarse decides to do a tuft on one cheek. What's that going to be called??


Chin Curtain

Simply The Best
Hmmm, the style made famous by the one, the only, Abe Lincoln, oh yes!!.

When looking at the many splendid photos of nice.....geeky men, it really does bring it home that good ol Abe was the only man who pulled this style off.

But maybe it's the youth of today who think they look uber-sexy with a demarcation of hair running around, exenuating that adorable cute lil face of theirs and with puppy eyes look simply adorable.......not.

Bum Fluff mate

I'll include this picture simply because I can.

Cute????  No, not really.  And he's barely 16.....maybe 12....I dunno.  They grow up so fast these days.

Friendly Mutton Chops
Nul points

Hmmm, this smacks of a job half done.

And my demonstrator simply doesn't have the hair growth to make it look appeasing.

What we need to sell this style is a man's man.  One who can safely stride forthwith into the desert that is the shopping mall and fears no rebuttal.  He, who the gods look down upon and tremble, for thine convenance shines forth rightly upon thy infidels.  One who.......oh never mind, just take a look below.

What a man....?????

Quite frankly, it just doesn't do it for me, or for him either.  In fact, I think we can safely say that this 'artwork' of hair is something to be desired....or not as the case may be.

Note how the absence of hair on the wee man's bonce seems to further exgagerate the plain daftness of the look, and yet quite strangely, the longer you look at him, it more it seems to suit him.  Scary stuff indeed.

Let's move on......quickly.

Mutton Chops

Ol Mutton Chops himself
Well, this style has had a slight resurrgence with the portrayal of a certain comic book hero. 

No comment needed
Indeed, on this fine young fellow, it positively exhudes sexiness, with a massive dollop of raw male passion.  Ok, having a damn good physique might have something to do with it as well, but I'm sure the ladies won't mind that.

Mind you, the same style elsewhere can have an equally opposite effect as my wee scottish friend (pictured left) amply demonstrates.  The Uber cool sleeveless pullover is an added bonus to make the look complete. Hey, trendsetters, take note.......and avoid like the plague.


A successful improvement
Well, my fellow connoissuers of avant garde fashion.  There you have it.  A brief guide to to the hairy world of beards.

Yes, there are more styles to be had, and when added to the myriad of mustaches, there simply is no stopping men from making a complete prat of themselves.

Although having said that, this type of beard (the 'Allover'), could actually improve a man's looks.

But I'll just leave it to the women to make their own minds up about it.

Thought for the Day

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect

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