Thursday, 7 June 2012

Funny News - 7 June 2012

It's a hard life

I don't know about you, but after reading the article, it made me wonder if we'll be seeing Daren Scott in the Guiness Book of Word Records as...
Scott says he was later taken to the hospital and forced to wait another four hours before receiving treatment. He said an operation was unsuccessful and he remained in great pain for several months.
That sure is a loooong time to have an erection. I guess being a bus driver certainly has it's ups and downs.

Cougar alert

Yes, in the depravity that is my mind, I also thought that some poor unfortunate soul had locked up his lover in a cage, but in reality, it was just another pussy which sought freedom from the chains of domestication.

A parable to learn from this episode my friends, is never keep a cougar enslaved.

They'll come back to bite you on the bum.....if you're lucky.

Look Ma - No hands :)

How it shouldn't be done
Did I read this right?

Thought for once that common sense had prevailed and that somebody had been fined for eating a MacDonalds, but nooo,  it turns out a man was fined for simply eating it behind the wheel.

Well, wasn't gonna eat it in front of the wheel, or to the side was he now??

Still, I sure the police freaked out long enough to wait until said driver composed himself and placed both hands back on the drivers wheel. 
"This man was stopped right beside the police (car)," said Albany Creek Police officer-in-charge Mat Kelly.
I have a suspiscion that this event occured at a car park, strangely enough, just outside MacDonalds.

In which case, be prepared for 'steak-outs' coming soon to a fast food franchise near you pretty darn soon.

Taking a Dip

Well, when you gotta gotta go.  And it appears that a health survey in american revealed that  one in five americans have admitted to peeing in the pool.

Gee, that explains why American Olypian swimming athletes always have a strong presence in the pool.
"Our water's so clear, you can toss a dime in it and still look and tell whether it's heads or tails," brags Reagan
Thats because the acid content in the urine can clean the coin well enough for you to be able to distinquish whether it's heads or tails folks.

The Centre for Disease Control have made its recommendtions for future swimmers (with my helpful amendments in brackets):

1) Don't swim when you have diarrhea (or preferably, don't diarrhea when you swim).
2) Don't swallow pool water (No, be a good chap and swim to the edge, and THEN spit it out).
3) Shower with soap and water before swimming, and be particularly meticulous about washing the crotch area (Any white stuff in those areas can then be considered to be soapy leftovers).
4) Wash your hands with soap and water after using a toilet or after changing diapers (Yes, it's important that if you pee in the pool, you MUST simply get out and wash your hands afterwards).
5) Take your children on bathroom breaks or check diapers often (but they might not want to see their parents doing the necessary).
6) Change diapers in a bathroom and not at poolside (so inside the pool is fine then??)
7) Wash your child thoroughly with soap and water before swimming (Translation from Americanism: shower the beggars).

Crusing the Airwaves

TC, on sofa, now standing at 5' 6"
Apparently, Connor Cruise is not allowed to conduct interviews on his own behalf as adopted mom (Nicole Kidman) and adopted dad (Tom Cruise) has forbidden him from doing so.

This comes from Mr Public Relations himself who once famously jumped on a sofa during an interview.

Let us take a few moments to remind ourselves of a few quotes from the maestro himself.

"I love kids. I was a kid once, myself."
"Every single time I start to do a picture, without fail, I feel as if I don't know what I'm doing."
"I would live with all of my sisters if I could. We've always been very close, my sisters and me."
"Nothing ends nicely, that's why it ends."

Go on Tom - give the boy a chance - he couldn't do any worse....truly.

Thought of the Day

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?


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